Stewart Eastham - The Man I Once Was Lyrics
I was born to an Irish man with a temper like the raging sandThat blew across the seas of deep despairMy mother was fourteen years old on the day that I was bornSaddled with a burden she couldn’t bearIn a northern California town, my father beat me up and downTill they sent me away to live with my auntI roamed the hills of Idaho with a shotgun and a stilettoTwo years later, they forced me to come backHigh school years in San Jose, relentless beatings everydayTill one day I came up with a planI doctored up my paperwork and said, “Oh, please sign me up, sir”At seventeen I went to VietnamBut I don’t need your sympathy, I am everything that you are notI don’t need your sympathy and I damn sure don’t need a thing you gotI came back from overseas and found a girl straight as can beMarried, two children followed soonI earned my pay on the police force, my wife never understood, of courseHow every day was like an open woundI found myself going more and more down to the corner liquor storeSeeking out the innocence I’d lostHer pastor tried to counsel us, but I never bought into that stuffWasn’t sure I could stand to pay the costFelt myself stuck in a cage, one night I lost it in a rageMy kids they screamed, I don’t know what happened thenWoke up in a pool of blood, a note said they were gone for goodNever ever saw my kids againBut I don’t need your sympathy, I am everything that you are notI don’t need your sympathy and I damn sure don’t need a thing you gotFirst I lost my family and then they took my job from meMoved up north to the town of OrovilleAs a postman I made my rounds, I worked the roughest part of townAt Playtown USA I’d get my pillsRobbed one day of all my mail by a Mexican out for a thrillHe cracked me with a Louisville slugger batI never ever told no one, I was so ashamed at what was doneMy head was never quite right after thatOne night outside the Eagles Club, I spotted that ol’ MexicanSmashed his head in with everything I hadFelt my whole past exhumed, I never wanted to sing that tuneBut here I stand with blood on my handsBut I don’t need your sympathy, I am everything that you are notI don’t need your sympathy and I damn sure don’t need a thing you gotWith help from an old police friend, manslaughter’s what I got in the endSpent some years in the Susanville state penAfter I finally got released, I found myself a sense of peaceWith a woman who didn’t care where I’d beenWe got a place up by the lake and cashed the checks she got from the stateWe’d watch TV and drink and drink and drinkTill one day she wasn’t there, she passed away right in her chairI closed her eyes and tried not to think.But I wondered where my children were, with families of their own, I’m sureProbably never thought twice of their old manNow I’m up to sixty-five and the doctor says I’m soon to dieHow I wish I could show them who I amPlease understand, I’m not the man I once wasPlease understand, I’m not the man I once wasI’m not ready to goI see the devil’s come to take away his ownNow I know, it’s my time to go
