Half Man Half Biscuit - The Referee's Alphabet Lyrics
The A is for my authoritywhich many players seem to question,thinking theyre somehow going to make me change my mindB is for babieswhich a lot of managers cry likeafter a decision has not gone their wayC is for the continual criticism i recieve from the touchlineget back in your technical area!D is for the dunderheadswho seem to think we have a conspiracyagainst their particular teamE is for the eery silence that echoes around the groundafter I've booked the home teams playerand its obvious to everyone that he deserved itF is the farce into which most games would descend if we werent thereThe G is for the gnarled face of someone whos on 90,000 a weekand reckoned he should have had a throw inH is for handballwhich has to be intentional and very rarely isif only people would study the rules moreI is for innocence, pleaded by many a doe-eyed defenderafter theyve just scythed down that tricky wingerJ is for ju-jitsu, which i quite intend to display given a dark alleyand some of the narky blerts ive encounteredK is for the kissing of the badgehow ridiculous that looks 6 months later when theyre at another clubL is for lip reading, at which you dont need to be an expertto see how odious some people areM is for the mistakes we sometimes makesurely a bit of controversy is part of the games appealThe N, the N is for the numbskull who during the boxing day gameasks me what else i got for christmas besides my whistlean afternoon with your wife mateThe O is for offsidewhich many forwards tell me they simply could not have beenThe P is for the penalty shootoutgreat drama and no pressure on meQ is the quiet word i sometimes need to havewith some of the more fiery participantsi usually choose the word 'pleat'R is for running backwardsa difficult skill which the pundits never seem to appreciateS is for the suggestion that i should have awarded a card of some sortto a player whos just been awarded a free kicksorry i got all that wrong the S againokay the S, the S is the suggestion that i should show a card to an opponentby a player whos been awarded a free kickhe himself is more in danger of getting one for thatT is for the 21 man brawlwhiuch is basically an embarrassing scene of pushing and shovingU is for the umpire which i sometimes wish id been insteadyou never hear a cricket crowd shouting whos the bastard in the hatThe V is for vitriol vilification vendetta and volley of verbal abusesome good bird noises there by the wayW is for walter pidgeonwhos mr Griffiths in 'how green was my valley'i may have started to sound like during this song'where was the light i thought to see in your eye'he says that to a young huw played by roddy McDowallThe XThe X represents the sarcastic kiss planted on my forehead by the swarthy potugese center halfwho i just dismissedThe Y is for Yatethe kind of town referees come fromAnd the ZWell the Z could be for Zidane, Zico, Zola, Zubizaretta, ZoffEven Zondervanbut is in fact for the zest with which we approach our workwithout this zest for the game we wouldnt become refsand without refs, well zeroSee also Zatopek, Zeusand Zeal MonachorumI have a caravan therestatic naturallyWouldnt it be fun if the gave the ref a gun
