MC Lars - Certified Lyrics
I spot an active drowning victim form a mile away,I save old men in seas like Hemmingway.The swimming pool not taken?Watch out for Frost,dont get busted like Milton,or paradise will be lost.Its like that, and thats the way it is.Dont Run-DMC, walk like the other kids.And if you get in trouble, I use a contact dive,I extent my rescue tube to keep you alive.If youre submerged, Ill dive feet first,and bring you to a backboard, never to a hearse.Because DOA victims are for amateurs,I do it my safe way, you do it yours,like Raleys or Luckys or Albertsons.Did the victim hurt his neck? Im going in.I support your chin, airway and spine,with my head-splint technique everything is fine.My EAP is CPR after those rescue breaths,then Ill check your airway for respiratory arrest.Then its sweep, ventilation, and abdominal thrusts,I get the pool toy out I can, will, and must.Prepared for emergencies Ive got my life together,and understand my job keeps you alive like Eddie Vedder.If youre a stressed-out momwho keeps her children fettered,your kids are safe today, see, no lifeguard is better.Ten times as reliable mature and fitterthan your average lifeguard as a water babysitter,Betsy Weeks trained me well at Roble Gym,and Im slamming into swim safety, not a Slim Jim.CHORUSLifeguarding at the pool, lake, or the sea,I keep both eyes on your progeny.The Red Cross has got my back like 1-2-3,because Im C-E-R-T-F-I-E-D.And when I act its with informed consent,if you wont cooperate, I circumventand call the cops, best recognizeits not wise to distract me as I scrutinizethe pool, its called scanning, best take a hintand shut your mouth, you dont matter like lint.Larry Flint might argue that yourvoice means nothing, but I be like Bushand say for safety it means nothing.Im disciplined and talented at what I do,and hope to say the same for my lifeguard crew,because unlike the Insane Clown Posse,we practice our skills repeatedlyand dont cash in on tentative integrityor fire dope producers for more money.Wait, what, where was I?I guess I got side-trackeddissing Detroit high school drop-outswith new albums that are whack.Back on track, heres the point:Im safe like what!Making sure the chemical room doors always shut.See that gardeners dirty trowel?Well, I dont. Im too busy makingsure your kids stay afloat.And see that dude who kind of looks like Shrek,but imported like badly dubbed French Star Trek?Nope, I double checkthe bubble trek from your kids lungs.The shovel speck orsmuggled Shrek distract no onelike me, I dont notice, no, just your kids.But did I see that kid run? Oh yes I did!Peripherally, so Im a lay the smack downand turn their smiles into one collective frown.Hey kids, stop running! You know the rule!Yes Im a tool from lifeguard schoolbut safety is cool here at the pool,and trust me on the sunscreen, dont be a fool.REPEAT CHORUS
